A continuation of the last post

I figured out why I as feeling so overwhelmed with everything. Sat. night I decided to read in the scriptures. I read Moses 1 because that was our reading assignment for the week. When I did I realized what had happened to me was the same thing that happened to Moses. I had this spiritual experience where HF was telling me what I should do. Immediately after that Satan was there to tempt me and make me feel like I wasn't a good mom. He was there to tell me I couldn't do it. Now that I realize that that was what I was feeling I am ok now. Here is what I have learned so far. I must have patience and trust the Lord. I lack both of those things. I also learned that I don't need to tell everyone my plans for my life. It is my life and everyone has their opinion and I don't need to hear all of their opinions. We are going to pursue the Fost to adopt program and see where that takes us. I feel good about that decision.

New Years Eve 2009

First of all I can't believe I haven't written since Oct. WOW! time flies. I am writing because I have had the worst day ever. It started with Bobby having to work night shift today. Bummer!

I called my bff from HS, Becky to ask her adoption questions. So, I will go back a little. The other day I was praying about the baby thing and got the answer that Bobby is not supposed to have the surgery and that we were supposed to adopt. Now I am trying to wrap my brain about this option. So, I called her to see what advice she could give me. She has adopted two children. The first one she adopted from a private agency and it was very expensive but worth it. The second one she got from foster to adopt program. She liked that option the best because she felt she was really helping a child escape a bad childhood. I felt really good while I was on the phone with her but when I got off I got really, really scared. So much that I don't want to adopt at all. It seems like so much work and effort. Needless to say I was in a very bad mood all day because of my worrying.

I started stripping paint on our downstairs entertainment center to try and take my mind of it. Jacob accidentally touched the striper and it really burned his skin. He was screaming because of the pain, and I don't blame it. The story gets worse but I will tell that in a minute.

We all went to the Barlow's without Bobby. Tim and Zanette came too. The first bad thing that happened was that I burned my casserole dish lid to the pan because I put it in the oven without thinking. It was all melted. That really sucks.

Here is the rest of the story with Jacob. He started screaming again saying the chemical was burning his skin like earlier and he seriously would not stop. We gave him ibuprofen, cortisone cream and finally a bath. I washed all of his skin with soap and I think that helped the most. BUT.... while he was in there he pooped. What a mess! He had a lot of toys in there that I had to wash with soap and water not to mention get the poop out, clean the tub, clean him and clothe him. Needless to say I didn't have very much fun.

The kicker of the whole night was when I brought up adoption stuff. Kevin and Janice basically just went off on me. They really don't like adoption because of all the risk and they made sure I knew that. I feel even more scared now. I really really just want to ignore all the promptings I have received and just go on with my life but that really scares me too. I wish I could just see what the outcome would be so I would know what I supposed to do.

Oh, one more thing. While we were at the Barlow's. Kyra broke kevin's $100 message seat thingy and now I have to have Bobby fix it or buy him a new one. The bad part is that we have told them tons of times not to touch Kevin's stuff and they don't seem to listen.

So, that was my day. All that crap happened in one day. I don't think tomorrow (today now) can even compare to that and believe me we won't try.

I can't believe this is happening to me!

Yesterday was Oct. 21, 2009. I decided to go to the early session at the temple. I woke up about 4 :15 and I felt instantly a feeling from Heavenly Father. The impression was telling me that I needed to have another baby. That was so foreign to me because in my mind we were completely done having kids. My husband had a vasectomy (sp?), I gave away all my baby clothes and maternity clothes. Bobby went to the temple too just to confirm my feelings and he felt the same way. When I went to the Ocqurie (sp?) Mountain temple dedication I had the strange thought that I was supposed to have another baby but I quickly dismissed it. I can't dismiss it this time. This is really sad but I am devastated. I just lost 15 pounds, bought new (expensive) pants, and The thought of being pregnant again is not appealing to me. I also have no doctor. My doctor moved away and now I have to find a new one. Bobby also has to have his surgery reversed and I feel really bad about it. It is going to take some time for me to be excited about this and I think I will be when the shock wears off. 

One of my missions

Yesterday my visiting teacher made a comment that made me realize something. I think one of my missions on this earth is make sure women know how great they are. I am finding more and more that women don't understand how great they are. They don't understand how much Heavenly Father loves them and appreciates them. I don't know how I know this for myself but I do. I feel that because I know, it is my job to make sure that others know too. I think that confidence in yourself is the greatest tool to fight against the adversary. I think when women know this truth nothing else can stop them. 

a few thoughts-some long some short

First, I was thinking about my friend Richelle. She seems to me to be on the wrong track right now. I have criticized her and wondered why she is doing what she is doing. It is not just me that is worried about her. All of our scrapbook friends are worried about her too. I bet her family is worried about her too. I figured out yesterday that I can't change her behavior but there is one thing I can do for her. I can pray for her. That is what I am gong to do!

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We have had financial difficulties for sometime now. I made the goal to get out of debt with no idea of how that would be possible. This year has been really hard for us. Part of the reason it has been hard is our own fault. We had been hit and miss paying our tithing. I honestly was not seeing any blessings when we did so why pay it? Besides we needed the money to go to so many other places (so I thought). I have been praying that someone would help us get back on track but I had no one in mind. Then, Bobby's work wrote us a letter telling us that we could take out some of his profit sharing money IF we had two sessions with a financial coach. I was not excited at the time because even though I was praying for help with our finances I didn't want to be told what I was doing wrong. This finacial counseling has saved us. She is a really good person and she tells it to us like it is, not like what we want to hear. She sat down with us and went step by step through our bills and budget and helped us make a plan to help us. We had our two sessions with her and I can't believe how much has changed for us in such a short time. First of all, I decided that I was going to pay tithing from now on no matter what.  I repaid all the back tithing and we are completely paid in full. That is a good feeling. Now I feel I can go to the temple again. and stop missing out on those blessings. Second, I got all of our utilities caught up. This sounds silly but no one ever told me to stop paying the minimum just so the power was not shut off but pay it so that doesn't happen. That too is a feeling of relief for me. Then, she told us to build an emergency fund of $1000. We just finished that this last week and boy that feels good too. Now we are starting to work on our snowball debt. We have received so many blessings from paying our tithing and getting help. I can't even put them all down here. Mostly the blessings have come as feelings of relief and freedom. I am so glad we are on the right road now!

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This is just a dumb thought but still a thought. I just found out someone in our ward is pregnant with her 5th baby. For some reason I was a little jealous. Not because I want another child but just that she is a better mom because she can handle having more kids than me. That is silly but true!

I wanted to create a different blog that is very private. Here I will discuss things that I don't want to share with everyone else. I don't know how much I will write here but I am starting today. Today in church I realized something important that I have never considered before. I never realized how much I am grateful for the atonement. I am also grateful for the power of forgiveness. I sometimes have a really hard dealing with my mom. The last couple of weeks have been tough. She has been planning a craft sale. At first it started with one of her friends and then they got in a fight. Then she was doing it with my step sister Kristy (big mistake). Then they got in a fight so here I am stuck in the middle. My mom was very angry with me for not wanting to get involved in all the reasons she was fighting with everyone. HONESTLY, I am so sick of the fighting. She thrives on it. I will not deal with it. If she wants to do it, that is great but I won't be involved. That is where the atonement comes in for me. When she gets all worked up and mad the best thing for me to do is just step back. What I want to do is just tell her off and tell her to leave us alone until she can learn to control her anger. That won't work with her because she won't learn to control it. Fighting back is what she wants you to do and I chose not to engage in that. Life is too short to fight so I just choose to forgive her every single time she is rude to me or the kids and just take her and her attitude with a grain of salt. Sadly she is not one of my favorite people to hang out with but I can't change her, I can only change myself. Oh well!